Mother!
Henry! What a disagreeable surprise.
Hello, Mother. How nice you look.
What are you doing here? You promised never to come to Ascot.
Go home at once
I can't, Mother. I'm here on business.
You offend all my friends.
The moment they meet you I never see them again.
Besides, you aren't ever dressed for Ascot.
I changed my shirt. Now listen, Mother, I've got a job for you.
A phonetics job. I've picked up a girl.
Henry!
Oh, no, not a love affair. She's a flower girl.
I'm taking her to the annual Embassy Ball and I want you
To try her out first. I beg your pardon.
Well, you know the Embassy Ball.
Of course, I know the Ball but...
So I invited her to your box today, do you understand?
Common flower girl?
Oh, she'll be all right. I taught her how to speak properly.
She has strict instructions as to her behavior.
She's to keep to two subjects The weather and everybody's health.
"Fine day" and "how do you do".
And not to let herself go on things in general.
Help her along, darling, you'll be quite safe.
Safe? To talk about one's health in the middle of a race?
Well, she's got to talk about something.
Where is the girl now?
She's being pinned. Some of the clothes
We bought her didn't quite fit.
I told Pickering we should have taken her with us.
Ah, Mrs. Eynsford-Hill.
Good afternoon, Mrs. Higgins.
You know my son Henry.
How do you do?
I've seen you somewhere before.
I don't know...
Oh, it doesn't matter. You better sit down.
Lady Boxington.
Where the devil can they be?
Lord Boxington.
Colonel Pickering, you're just in time for tea.
Thank you, Mrs. Higgins. May I introduce Miss Eliza Doolittle?
My dear Miss Doolittle.
How kind of you to let me come.
Delighted, my dear.
Lady Boxington.
How do you do?
Lord Boxington.
How do you do?
Mrs. Eynsford-Hill, Miss Doolittle.
How do you do?
And Freddy Eynsford-Hill.
How do you do?
Miss Doolittle.
Good afternoon, Professor. Higgins.
The first race was very exciting, Miss Doolittle.
I'm so sorry that you missed it.
Will it rain, do you think?
The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain.
But in Hertford, Heresford and Hampshire
Hurricanes hardly ever happen.
How awfully funny.
What is wrong with that, young man? I bet I got it right.
Smashing!
Has it suddenly turned chilly?
Oh, I do hope we won't have any unseasonable cold spells.
They bring on so much influenza.
And the whole of our family is susceptible to it.
My aunt died of influenza, so they said.
But it's my belief they done the old woman in.
Done her in?
Yes, Lord love you.
Why should she die of influenza
When she come through diphtheria right enough the year before?
Fairly blue with it she was.
They all thought she was dead.
But my father he kept ladling gin down her throat...
Then she come to so sudden she bit the bowl off the spoon.
Dear me!
Now what call would a woman with that strength in her
Have to die of influenza?
And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me?
Somebody pinched it.
And what I say is, "Them as pinched it, done her in.
Done her in? Done her in, did you say?
Whatever does it mean?
Oh, that's the new small talk.
To do somebody in means to kill them.
But you surely don't believe you aunt was killed?
Do I not? Them she lived with would have
Killed her for a hatpin let alone a hat.
But it can't have been right for your father to pour spirits down
Her throat like that. It might have killed her.
Not her. Gin was mother's milk to her.
Besides, he poured so much done his own throat
He knew the good of it.
Do you mean that he drank?
Drank? My word. Something chronic.
Here, what are you sniggering at?
It's the new small talk. You do it so awfully well.
Well, if I was doing it proper, what was you sniggering at?
Have I said anything I oughtn't?
Not at all, my dear.
Well, that's a mercy, anyhow.
I don't whether there's enough time before the next race
To place a bet but come, my dear.
I don't suppose so.
I have a bet on number seven.
I should be so happy if you would take it.
You'll enjoy the race ever so much more.
That's very kind of you.
His name is Dover.
Come along, my dear, come along.
There they are again lining up to run.
Now they're holding steady they are ready for it
Look, it has begun.
Come on, Dover! Come on, Dover! Come on, Dover!
Come on, Dover! Move your bloomin' arse!
You're not serious, Henry.
You don't expect to take her to the Embassy Ball?
Don't you think she's ready for it?
Dear Henry, she's ready for a canal barge.
Well, her language may need a little refining, but...
Oh, really, Henry, if you cannot see how impossible
This whole project is
Then you must be absolutely potter about her.
I advise you to give it up now and not put yourself
Or this poor girl through anymore.
Give it up? Why, it's the most fascinating venture
I've ever undertaken.
Pickering and I are at it from morning 'til night.
It fills our whole lives.
Teaching Eliza, talking to Eliza,
Listening to Eliza, dressing Eliza.
What? You're a pretty pair of babies playing with your live doll.
Ah, here's the car.
I say, sir...
Good evening, sir.
Ah, is dinner ready? I'm famished.
Immediately, sir.
Good evening, Professor Higgins.
When she mentioned how her aunt bit off the spoon
She completely done me in
And my heart went on a journey to the moon
When she told about her father and the gin
And I never saw a more enchanting farce
Than the moment when she shouted 'Move your bloomin’...
Yes, sir?
Is Miss Doolittle in?
Whom shall I say is calling?
Freddy Eynsford-Hill. Oh. If she,
If she doesn't remember who I am,
Tell her I'm the chap who was sniggering at her.
Yes, sir.
Oh, and will you give her these?
Yes, sir. Wouldn't you like to come in, sir?
They're having dinner, but you may wait in the hall.
No, no, thank you.
I want to drink in the street where she lives.
I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before
All at once am I several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street where you live
Are there lilac trees in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour out of every door?
No, it's just on the street where you live
And oh, the towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear
People stop and stare, they don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
Let the time go by
I won't care if l
Can be here on the street where you live
Oh, sir?
I'm terribly sorry, sir.
Miss Doolittle says she doesn't want to see anyone ever again.
But why? She was unbelievable.
So I've been told, sir. Is there any further message?
Tell her that I'll wait.
Oh, but it might be days, sir, even weeks.
But don't you see? I'll be happier here.
People stop and stare they don't bother me
For there's nowhere else on earth that I would rather be
Let the time go by
I won't care if l
Can be here on the street where you live
It really is, Higgins, it's inhuman to continue.
Do you realize what you've got to try and teach this poor girl
In six weeks?
You've got to teach her to walk, talk, address a duke,
A lord, a bishop, an ambassador. It's absolutely impossible.
Higgins, I'm trying to tell you that I want to call off the bet.
I know you're a stubborn man but so am l.
This experiment is over.
And nothing short of an order from the king,
Could force me to recant. If you'll excuse me.
You understand, Higgins, it's over.
Higgins, Higgins, if there's any mishap at the Embassy tonight.
If Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment whatsoever,
It'll be on your head alone.
Oh, Eliza can do anything.
Suppose she's discovered? Remember Ascot.
Supposing she makes another ghastly mistake?
There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering.
Think how agonizing it would be. Oh, if anything happened tonight,
I don't know what I'd do.
Well you could always rejoin your regiment.
This is no time for flippancy, Higgins.
The way you've driven the girl the last six weeks has exceeded
All bounds of common decency.
For God's sake, Higgins, stop pacing up and down.
Can't you settle somewhere?
Have some port. It'll quieten your nerves.
I'm not nervous. Where is it?
On the piano.
The car's here, sir.
Oh, good tell Miss Doolittle, will you?
Yes, sir. Tell Miss Doolittle indeed.
I'll bet you that dammed gown doesn't fit.
I warned you about these French designers.
We should have gone to a good English shop,
Where you know everyone
Would have been on our side. Have a glass of port?
No, thank you.
Are you so sure this girl will retain everything you've
Hammered into her?
Well, we shall see.
Suppose she doesn't?
I lose my bet.
Higgins, there's one thing I can't stand about you,
That's your confounded complacency.
At a moment like this, with so much at stake,
It's utterly indecent that you don't need a glass of port.
And what about the girl?
You act as though she doesn't matter at all.
Oh, rubbish, Pickering. Of course she matters.
What do you think I've been doing all these months?
What could possibly matter more than to take a human being
And change her into a different human being
By creating a new speech for her?
It's filling up the deepest gap that separates class from class
And soul from soul.
Oh, she matters immensely.
Miss Doolittle, you look beautiful.
Thank you, Colonel Pickering.
Don't you think so Higgins?
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Maestro! Maestro! Don't you remember me?
No. Who the devil are you?
I'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest, your best pupil.
I'm Zoltan Karpathy that marvelous boy.
I made your name famous throughout Europe. You teach me phonetics.
You cannot forget me.
Why don't you have your hair cut?
Ah, I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow.
If I had my hair cut, nobody would notice me.
Where did you get all of those old coins?
These are decorations for languages.
The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening.
I'm indispensable to her at these official international parties.
I speak thirty-two languages.
I know everyone in Europe. No imposter can escape my detection.
Professor Karpathy.
The Greek ambassador. Greek, my foot.
He pretends not to know any English, but he cannot deceive me.
He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker.
He speaks English so villainously that
he cannot utter a word without betraying his origin.
I help him pretend, but I make him pay through the nose.
I make them all pay.
Excuse me, sir, you are wanted upstairs.
Her Excellency asked for you.
Oh, excuse me.
Viscount and Viscountess Saks.
Baron and Baroness of Yorkshire.
Sir Guy and Lady Scot Ackland.
The Count and Countess Demereau.
The Viscount and Viscountess Hillyard.
Mr. And Mrs. Richard Lanser.
Lord and Lady Clanders.
Miss Eliza Doolittle. Colonel Pickering.
Professor Higgins. Good evening, Miss Doolittle.
Your Excellency.
Miss Doolittle.
How do you do?
Good evening Colonel.
Good evening.
Oh, Colonel. What an enchanting lady
You have with you this evening.
Thank you.
Who is she?
Oh, a cousin of mine. And Higgins. Excuse me.
Professor Higgins. Such a far away look as if
She's always lived in, in a garden.
So she has. A sort of garden.
Henry must take Eliza home at once.
There's a language expert here.
Sort of, you know, sort of an imposterologist.
I beg your pardon.
The young lady with Colonel Pickering: Find out who she is.
With pleasure.
The whole situation is highly explosive.
Tell me, Zoltan, some more about the Greek ambassador.
Gladly, Professor, but first I would love you
T o present me to this glorious creature.
Does he really come from Yorkshire?
Her Majesty, the Queen of Transylvania...
And His Royal Highness Prince Gregor.
Charming, quite charming.
Miss Doolittle, Ma'am.
Miss Doolittle, my son would like to dance with you.
Eliza.
Absolutely fantastic.
A lot of tom foolery.
It was an immense achievement.
Well, Mr. Higgins?
A triumph, Mrs. Pearce. A total triumph.
Higgins, you were superb, absolutely superb.
Tell us the truth now.
Weren't you a little bit nervous once or twice?
No, not for a second.
Not during the whole evening?
No, not when I saw we were going to win hands down.
I felt like a bear in a cage hanging about with nothing to do.
It was an immense achievement.
If I hadn't backed myself to do it,
I'd have given it up two months ago.
Absolutely fantastic.
Yes, a lot of tom foolery.
Higgins, I salute you.
Oh, the silly people don't know their own silly business.
Tonight, old man, you did it, you did it.
You said that you would do it
And indeed you did.
I thought that you would rue it.
I doubted you'd do it.
But now I must admit it that succeed you did.
You should get a medal or be even made a knight.
Oh, it was nothing, really nothing.
All alone you hurdled every obstacle in sight.
Now wait. Now wait. Give credit where it's due:
A lot of the glory goes to you.
But you're the one who did it, who did it, who did it.
As sturdy as Gibraltar, not a second did you falter.
There's no doubt about it. You did it.
I must have aged a year tonight.
At times I thought I'd die of fright.
Never was there a momentary lull.
Shortly after we came in
I saw at once we'd easily win.
And after that I found it deadly dull.
You should have heard the oohs and aahs
Everyone wondering who she was.
You'd think they'd never seen a lady before.
And when the Prince of Transylvania asked to meet her
And gave his arm to lead her to the floor
I said to him: You did it, you did it, you did it.
They thought she was ecstatic and so damned aristocratic.
And they never knew that you... did it
Thank goodness for Zoltan Karpathy.
If it hadn’t been for him, I would have died of boredom.
Karpathy, that dreadful Hungarian? Was he there?
Yes, he was there all right and up to his old tricks.
That blackguard who uses the science of speech
More to blackmail and swindle than teach.
He made it the devilish business of his
To find out who this Miss Doolittle is.
Every time we looked around
There he was that hairy hound from Budapest.
Never leaving us alone.
Never have I ever known a ruder pest.
Finally I decided it was foolish
Not to let him have his chance with her.
So I stepped aside and let him dance with her.
Oozing charm from every pore
He oiled his way around the floor.
Every trick that he could play he used to strip her mask away.
And when at last the dance was done
He glowed as if he knew he'd won.
And with a voice too eager
And a smile too broad
He announced to the hostess that she was a fraud.
No!
Yes! (in Hungarian)
Her English is too good, he said
That clearly indicates that she is foreign.
Whereas others are instructed in their native language
English people aren't.
And although she may have
Studied with an expert Di'lectician and grammarian
I can tell that she was born Hungarian.
Not only Hungarian but of royal blood.
She is a princess.
Her blood, he said, 'is bluer than the Danube
Is or ever was'.
'Royalty is absolutely written on her face.
She thought I was taken in
But actually I never was'.
'How could she deceive another member of her race? '
'L know each language on the map', said he
'And she's Hungarian as the first Hungarian Rhapsody'.
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
For your glorious victory
Congratulations, Professor Higgins
You'll be mentioned in history
Well, thank God, that's over.
Now I can go to bed without dreading tomorrow.
Good night, Mr. Higgins.
Good night, Mrs. Pearce.
I think I'll turn in, too. Good night, Higgins.
It's been a great occasion.
Good night, Pickering. Oh, Mrs. Pearce?
Oh, damn. I meant to ask her to give me coffee
In the morning instead of tea.
Leave a little note for her will you, Eliza?
And put out the lights.
Must be downstairs. Oh, darn it.
I'll leave my head behind one of these days.
What the devil have I done with my slippers?
Here are your slippers. There! And there!
Take your slippers and may you never have a day's luck with them.
What on earth? What's the matter? Is anything wrong?
No, nothing wrong with you. I won your bet for you, haven't l?
That's enough for you! I don't matter, I suppose.
You won my bet? You presumptuous insect! I won it!
What did you throw those slippers at me for?
Because I wanted to smash your face.
I could kill you, you selfish brute!
Why didn't you leave me where you picked me up in the gutter?
You thank God it's all over now,
You can throw me back again there, do you?
Oh, so the creature's nervous after all?
Claws in you, cat! How dare you show your temper to me?
Sit down and be quiet!
Oh, what's to become of me? What's to become of me?
How the devil do I know what's to become of you?
What does it matter what becomes of you?
You don't care. I know you don't care.
You wouldn't care if I was dead. I'm nothing to you.
Not as much as them slippers.
Those slippers!
Those slippers! I didn't think it meant any difference now.
Why have you suddenly begun going on like this?
May I ask if you complain of your treatment here?
No.
Has anybody behaved badly? Colonel Pickering? Mrs. Pearce?
No.
Well, you don't pretend that I have treated you badly?
No.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Perhaps you're tired after the strain of the day.
Would you, would you have a chocolate?
No! Thank you.
Well it's only natural that you should be anxious,
But it's all over now.
Nothing more to worry about.
No, nothing more for you to worry about.
Oh, God, I wish I was dead.
Why, in heavers name, why? Now listen to me, Eliza.
All this irritation is purely subjective.
I don't understand. I'm too ignorant.
It's just imagination. Nothing's wrong. Nobody's hurting you.
Now you go to bed and sleep it off. Have a little cry
And say your prayers and you'll feel very much more comfortable.
I heard your prayers.
"Thank God it's all over".
Well, don't you thank God it's all over?
Now you're free and you can do what you like.
Oh, what am I fit for? What have you left me fit for?
Where am I to go? What am I to do? And what's to become of me?
Oh, that's what's worrying you, is it?
Oh I wouldn't worry about that if I were you.
I'm sure you won't have any difficulty
In settling yourself somewhere or other.
I didn't quite realize you were going away.
You might marry, you know. You see, Eliza, all men are not
Confirmed old bachelors like me and the Colonel.
Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils.
And you're not bad looking.
You're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes.
Oh, not now, of course, when you've been crying.
You look like the very devil, but I mean...
When you're all right and quite yourself you're...
I would call attractive.
Now you go to bed, have a good night's rest,
And then get up in the morning
And have a look at yourself in the glass.
You won't feel so bad.
I dare say my mother might find some fellow or other
Who would do very well. We were above that in Covent Garden.
What do you mean?
I sold flowers, I didn't sell myself.
Now you've made a lady of me, I'm not fit to sell anything else.
Oh, tosh, Eliza. Don't insult human relations
By dragging all that cant about buying and selling into it.
You don't have to marry the fellow if you don't want to.
What else am I to do?
Oh, there are lots of things.
What about the old idea of a florist shop?
I'm sure Pickering'd set you up in one.
He's got lots of money. He'll have to pay for all those togs
You're wearing tonight.
And that with the hire of the jewelry'll
Make a big hole in two hundred pounds. Oh, come on now.
You'll be all right. Well, I must be off to bed.
I'm really devilish sleepy. I was looking for something.
What was it?
Your slippers.
Oh yes, of course, you shied them at me.
Before you go, sir.
Do my clothes belong to me or to Colonel Pickering?
What the devil use would they be to Pickering?
Why do you bother about that in the middle of the night?
I want to know what I may take away with me.
I don't want to be accused of stealing.
Stealing? You shouldn't have said that, Eliza.
That shows a want of feeling.
I'm sorry. I'm only a common, ignorant girl
And in my station I have to be careful.
There can't be any feelings
Between the likes of you and the likes of me.
Please, will you tell me what belongs to me and what doesn't?
You can take the whole damned houseful if you want.
Except the jewelry. That's hired. Will that satisfy you?
Stop please! Will you take these to your room and keep them safe?
I don't want to run the risk of them being missed.
Oh, hand them over!
If these belonged to me and not the jeweler I’d...
I'd ram them down your ungrateful throat.
The ring isn't the jeweler's,
It's the one you bought me in Brighton.
I don't want it now.
Don't you hit me!
Hit you? You infamous creature how dare you suggest such a thing.
It's you who've hit me. You've wounded me to the heart.
I'm glad. I've got a little of my own back anyhow.
You've caused me to lose my temper,
A thing that's hardly happened to me before.
I don't wish to discuss it further tonight.
I'm going to bed.
You better leave your own note for Mrs. Pearce about the coffee
For it won't be done by me!
Damn Mrs. Pearce! Damn the coffee and damn you!
And damn my own folly for having lavished my hard-earned knowledge
And the treasure of my regard and intimacy
On a heartless guttersnipe!
"Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins. Just you wait!"
"You'll be sorry, but your tears'll be too late."
"You will be the one it's done to."
"And you'll have no one to run to..."
"Just you wait."
I have often walked down this street before
But the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before
All at once am I several stories high
Knowing I'm on the street where you live
Are there lilac tress in the heart of town?
Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?
Does enchantment pour out of every door?
No, it's just on the street where you live
And, oh, the towering feeling
Just to know somehow you are near
The overpowering feeling
That any second you may suddenly appear
People stop and stare, they don't...
Darling.
Freddy, whatever are you doing here?
Nothing. I spend most of my night's here.
It's the only place where I'm happy.
Don't laugh at me, Miss Doolittle.
Don't you call me Miss Doolittle, do you hear?
Eliza's good enough for me.
Oh, Freddy, you don't think I'm a heartless guttersnipe, do you?
Darling, how could you imagine such a thing?
You know how I feel.
I've written two and three times a day telling you.
Sheets and sheets.
"Speak and the world is full of singing
And I am winging higher than the birds
Touch and my heart begins to crumble
The heart begins to crumble
The heavens tumble, darling, and I'm..."
Words! Words! Words!
I get words all day through
First from him, now from you
Is that all you blighters can do?
Don't talk of stars burning above
If you're in love, show me!
Tell me no dreams filled with desire
If you're on fire show me!
Here we are together in the middle of the night
Don't talk of spring just hold me tight
Anyone who's ever been in love'll tell you
That this is no time for a chat
Haven't your lips longed for my touch?
Don't say how much show me! Show me!
Don't talk of love lasting through time
Make me no undying vow
Show me now!
Sing me no song. Read me no rhyme.
Don't waste my time
Show me!
Don't talk of June. Don't talk of fall.
Don't talk at all, show me!
Never do I ever want to hear another word
There isn't one I haven't heard
Here we are together in what ought to be a dream
Say one more word and I'll scream
Haven’t your arms hungered for mine?
Please don't explain, show me! Show me!
Don't wait until wrinkles and lines
Pop out all over my brow
Show me now!
Eliza, where are you going?
To the river. What for?
To make a hole in it.
Eliza, darling, what do you mean?
Taxi!
Taxi! But I've no money.
I have.
Where are you going?
Where I belong.
Darling, shall I come with you?
"With one enormous chair."
"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly?"
"Lots of chocolate for me to eat."
"Lots of coal making lots of heat."
"Warm face, warm hands, warm feet."
"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly.?"
"Oh, so loverly..."
Buy a flower, miss?
Yes, please.
Good morning, miss. Can I help you?
Do you mind if I warm my hands?
Go right ahead, miss.
Yes?
Oh, excuse me, miss.
For a second I thought you were somebody else.
Who?
Forgive me, ma'am.
Early morning light playing tricks with my eyes.
Can I get you a taxi, ma'am?
A lady like you shouldn't be walking’ alone
Around London this hour of the morning.
No thank you.
"Someone's head resting’ on my knee."
"Warm and tender as he can be."
"Who takes good care of me."
"Oh, wouldn't it be loverly."
"Loverly, loverly."
"Loverly, Loverly."
Do come again, Mr. Doolittle. We value your patronage always.
Ah, thank you, my good man. Thank you. Here. Come here.
Take the Missus on a trip to Brighton with my compliments.
Well thank you, Mr. Doolittle.
Jolly spot this, Harry. We must visit it more often.
Father!
Oh no. You see, Harry, he has no mercy.
Sent her down to spy on me in me misery, he did.
Me own flesh and blood.
Well, I'm miserable, all right. You can tell him that straight.
What are you talking about? What are you dressed up for?
As if you didn't know.
Go on back to that Wimpole Street devil.
T ell him what he's done to me.
What's he done to you?
Ruined me, that's all.
Tied me up and delivered me
Into the hands of middleclass morality.
And don't you defend him.
Was it 'im or was it not 'im wrote to
An old American blighter named
Wallingford...
...Who was giving five millions to found moral reform societies?
To tell him the most original moralist in England was Mr. Alfred
P. Doolittle, a common dustman?
That sounds like one of his jokes.
You may call it a joke. It's put the lid on me. Proper.
The old bloke died and left me four thousand pounds a year
In his bloomin’ will.
Who asked him to make a gentleman outta me?
I was happy. I was free.
I touched pretty nigh everyone for money when I wanted it,
Same as I touched him.
Now I'm tied neck and heels and everybody touches me.
A year ago I hadn’t a relation in the world
Except one or two who wouldn't speak to me.
Now I've fifty.
Not a decent week's wages amongst the lot of them.
Oh, I have to live for others now, not for me self.
Middleclass morality.
Come on, Alfie, in another couple of hours
And we have to be at the church.
Church?
The deepest cut of all. Well, why do you think
I'm dressed up like a ruddy pall bearer?
Your stepmother wants to marry me.
Now I'm respectable, she wants to be respectable.
Well, if that's the way you feel about it,
Why don't you give the money back?
Heh, that's the tragedy of it, Eliza.
It's easy to say chuck it, but I haven't the nerve.
We're all intimidated. That's what we are, intimidated.
Bought up. Yeah. That's what I am.
That's what your precious Professor's brought me to.
Not my precious Professor.
Oh, sent you back, has he?
First he shoves me in the middle class
Then he chucks you out for me to support you.
That's all part of his plan but you double-cross him.
Don't you come back home to me. Don't you take tuppence from me.
You stand on your own two feet. You're a lady now, you can do it.
Yeah, that's right, Eliza. You're a lady now.
Eliza, its getting awfully cold in that taxi.
Here, Eliza, would you like to come
And see me turned off this morning? Eh?
St. George's, Hanover Square ten o'clock.
I wouldn't advise it, but you're welcome.
No, thank you, Dad.
Are you all finished here, Eliza?
Yes, Freddy, I'm all finished here.
Good luck, Dad.
Thank you, Eliza.
Now come along, Alfred.
How much time have I got left?
There's just a few more hours."
That's all the time you've got
A few more hours
Before they tie the knot
There's drinks and girls all over London
And I gotta track 'em down in just a few more hours.
Set me up, darling.
I'm getting married in the morning.
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Pull out the stopper. Let's have a whopper.
But get me to the church on time.
I got to be there in the morning.
Spruced up and looking in me prime.
Girls, come and kiss me.
Show how you'll miss me. But get me to the church on time.
I was dancing roll up the floor.
If I am whistling (whistling) Me out the door.
For I'm getting married in the morning.
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Pick up a rumpas, but don't lose the compass.
But get me to the church on time.
Get him to the church.
For God's sake get me to the church on time.
I'm getting married in the morning.
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Some bloke who's able. Lift up the table.
But get me to the church on time.
If I am flying, then shoot me down.
If I am wooin’, get her out of town.
For I'm getting married in the morning.
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Feather and tar me.
Call out the army. But get me to the church.
Get me to the church.
For God's sake get me to the church on time.
He's getting married in the morning.
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime.
Come on, pull out the stopper. Let's have a whopper.
But get me to the church on time.
He's got to be there in the morning.
Spruced up and lookin' in his prime.
Girls, come and kiss me.
Show how you'll miss me. But get me to the church on time.
If I am dancing, roll up the floor.
If I am whistling (whistle) Me out the door.
He's getting married in the morning.
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Drug me or jail me. Stamp me and mail me.
But get me to the church.
Get him to the church.
For God's sake, get me to the church on time.
Girls, come and kiss him.
Show how they miss him. But get him to the church on time.
Kick up a rumpus. But don't lose the compass.
And get him to church on time.
If I am flying then shoot me down.
If I am wooin', get her out of town.
He's getting married in the morning.
Ding dong the bells are gonna chime.
Some bloke who's able.
Lift up the table.
But get me to the church on time.
Starlight is reelin'. Home to bed now.
Morning is smearing up the sky.
London is waking. Daylight is breaking.
Good luck, old chum.
Good health, goodbye.
I'm getting married in the morning.
Ding dong, the bells are gonna chime.
Hail and salute me. Then haul off and boot me.
But get him to the church. Get him to the church.
For God's sake. Get him to the church on time.
Pickering! Didn't she even say where to send her clothes?
I told you, sir, she took them all with her.
Pickering!
What's the matter?
Here's a confounded thing. Eliza's bolted.
Bolted? Bolted! Last night, Mrs. Pearce
let her go without telling me a thing about it!
Well, I'm dashed.
What am I to do? I got tea this morning instead of coffee.
I don't know where anything is.
I don't know what my appointments are.
Eliza would know.
Of course she'd know, but damn it, she's gone.
Did either of you gentlemen frighten her last night?
Last night we hardly said a word to her. You were there.
Did you bully her after I went to bed?
It was just the other way around. She threw the slippers at me.
I never gave her the slightest provocation.
The slippers suddenly came bang at my head
Before I uttered a word.
She used the most disgraceful language. I was shocked!
Well, I'm dashed.
I don't understand it.
We've always given her every consideration.
She admitted it herself.
Well, I'm dashed.
Oh, Pickering, for God's sake stop being dashed and do something.
What? Well, phone the police.
What are they there for in heavers name?
Mr. Higgins, you can't give Eliza's name to the police
As if she were a thief or a lost umbrella.
But why not? I want to find the girl.
She belongs to me. I paid five pounds for her.
Quite right. Hello? Scotland Yard, please.
Get me some coffee would you please?
Yes, sir.
Mrs... uh... Scotland Yard? ...Pearce, of course.
I beg your pardon, yes... this is Colonel Pickering speaking,
Hugh Pickering, Twenty-seven A Wimpole Street.
I want to report a missing person. Miss Eliza Doolittle.
About twenty-one.
Oh, I should say about five foot seven.
Her eyes? Oh let me think now. Her eyes. Her eyes...
Brown.
Brown. No, no, no.
Her hair? Oh, good Lord, well,
Sort of nondescript neutral sort of...
Brown! Brown! Brown!
You heard what he said? Brown, brown, brown, yes.
No, no, no, this her residence. Twenty seven A...
Yes, yes, about between three and four this morning, I understand.
Yes, no, no, no, no. The relat...? No, she's no relation, no.
What? Well, just let's call her a good friend, shall we.
I beg your pardon. Listen to me, my man,
I don't like the tenor of that question.
What the girl does here is our affair.
Your affair is to get her back so she can continue doing it.
Well, I'm dashed.
What, in all of heaven could have prompted her to go?
After such a triumph. At the ball.
What could have depressed her?
What could have possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.
Higgins, I have an old school chum at the Home Office,
Perhaps he could help. Think I'll give him a ring.
Whitehall 7244, please.
Women are irrational. That's all there is to that.
Their heads are full of cotton, hay and rags.
They're nothing but exasperating.
Irritating, vacillating, calculating.
Agitating, maddening and infuriating hags.
Oh, I want to speak to Mr. Brewster Budgin, please.
Yes, I'll wait.
Pickering, why can't a woman be more like a man?
I beg your pardon?
Yes, why can't a woman be more like a man?
Man are so honest, so thoroughly square.
Eternally noble. Historically fair.
Who when you win will always give your back a pat.
Why can't a woman be like that?
Why does everyone do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?
Why do they do everything their mother's do?
Why don't they grow up, well, like their father instead?
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant. So easy to please.
Whenever you're with them you're always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?
Oh course not!
Would you be livid if I had drink or two?
Nonsense!
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
Never!
Well, why can't a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there's one with slight defects.
One perhaps whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex.
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Cause men are so friendly. Good natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner would you bellow?
Of course not!
If I forgot your silly birthday. Would you fuss?
Nonsense!
Would you complain if I took out another fellow?
Never!
Well, why can't a woman be like us?
Oh, hello, Mr. Brewster Budgin there?
Bruzzie. Oh Bruzzie, you'll never, never guess who this is.
You're quite right, yes, it is good heavens.
By George, what a memory.
How are you Bruzzie? Nice to hear your voice.
What? You don't say. Has it really been thirty years, Bruzzie?
You're quite right. Yes, oceans of water.
Listen, listen, Bruzzie, I'll tell you why I rang up.
Something rather unpleasant has happened at this end.
Could I come and see you?
Well, I could, yes. Now, straight away?
Right-o, good, thank you, thank you,
Good bye, Bruzzie, thank you very much.
Oh, Mrs. Pearce, I'm going along to the Home Office.
Oh, I’ do hope you find her, Colonel Pickering.
Mr. Higgins will miss her.
Mr. Higgins will miss her, eh?
Blast Mr. Higgins, I'll miss her!
Pickering?
Oh, Mrs. Pearce?
Yes, sir?
Where's the Colonel?
He's gone to the Home Office, sir.
Oh, there you are. I'm disturbed and he runs for help.
Now there's a good fellow.
Mrs. Pearce you're a woman
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent. Such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
And why is logic never even tried?
Straightening up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?
Why can't a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who'd been to ball.
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all.
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
Or carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't a woman be like me?
Do you mean to say that after you'd done this wonderful thing
For them without making a single mistake
They just sat there and never said a word to you?
Never petted you or admired you
Or told you how splendid you'd been?
Not a word. They just sat there congratulating each other
On how marvelous they'd been.
And the next moment how glad they were it was all over
And what a bore it had all been.
This is simply appalling.
I should not have thrown my slippers at him,
I should have thrown the fire irons.
What's that?
It's Henry. I knew it wouldn't be too long.
Now remember, you not only danced with a prince last night,
You behaved like a princess.
Mother the most confounded thing, do you...
You?
Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well?
Am l...?
Of course. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?
Don't you dare try that game on me. I taught it to you.
Now you get up and come home and stop being a fool.
You've caused me enough trouble for one morning.
Very nicely put indeed, Henry.
No woman could resist such an invitation.
How did this baggage get here in the first place?
Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her.
And if you don't promise to behave yourself,
I must ask you to leave.
You mean to say I'm to put on my Sunday manners for this...
...thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage
Leaves of Covent Garden?
That's precisely what I mean.
I'll see her damned first.
However did you learn good manners with my son around?
It was very difficult.
I should never have known how ladies and gentlemen behave
If it hadn’t been for Colonel Pickering.
He always showed me that he felt and thought about me as if
I were something better than a common flower girl.
You see, Mrs. Higgins, apart from the things one can pick up...
...the difference between a lady and a flower girl
Is not how she behaves, but how she is treated.
I shall always be a flower girl to Professor Higgins
Because he always treats me as a flower girl and always will.
But I know I shall always be a lady to Colonel Pickering
Because he always treats me as a lady and always will.
Henry, don't grind your teeth.
The bishop is here, Madam, shall I show him into the garden?
The bishop and the professor: Good heavers no!
I should be excommunicated. I'll see him in the library.
Eliza, if my son starts breaking up things,
I give you full permission to have him evicted.
Henry dear, I suggest you stick to two subjects:
The weather and your health.
Well, you've had a bit of your own back, as you call it.
Have you had enough and are you going to be reasonable
Or do you want anymore?
You want me back only to pick up your slippers
And put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.
I didn't say I wanted you back at all.
Oh, indeed? Then what are we talking about?
Well, about you, not about me. If you come back you'll be treated
As you've always been treated.
I can't change my nature, I don't intend to change my manners.
My manners are exactly the same as Colonel Pickering's.
That's not true. He treats a flower girl as if she were a duchess.
And I treat a duchess as if she was a flower girl.
Oh, I see. The same to everybody.
Just so. You see, the great secret,
Is not a question of good manners or bad manners
Or any particular sort of manners
But having the same manner for all human souls.
The question is not whether I treat you rudely,
Whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.
I don't care how you treat me. I don't mind your swearing at me.
I shouldn't mind a black eye.
I have had one before this. But I won't be passed over!
Well then, get out of my way for I won't stop for you.
You talk about me as though I was a motor bus.
So you are a motor bus.
All bounce and go and no consideration for anybody.
But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't!
I know you can. I told you could.
You've never wondered, I suppose, whether,
Whether I could get along without you?
Don't you try to get around me. You'll have to.
So I can without you or any soul on earth.
I shall miss you, Eliza.
I've learned something from your idiotic notions.
I confess that humbly and gratefully.
Well, you have my voice on your gramophone.
When you feel lonely without me you can turn it on.
It has no feelings to hurt.
Well, l, I can't turn your soul on.
Oh, you are a devil!
You can twist the heart in a girl just as easily
As some can twist her arms to hurt her.
What am I to come back for?
For the fun of it. That's why I took you on.
And you may throw me out tomorrow
If I don't do everything you want me to.
Yes, and you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything
You want me to.
And live with my father?
Yes, or sell flowers. Or would you rather marry Pickering?
I wouldn't marry you if you asked me
And you're nearer my age than what he is.
Than he is.
I'll talk as I like. You're not my teacher now.
That's not what I want and don't you think it is.
I've always had chaps enough wanting me that way.
Freddy Hill writes me twice and three times a day.
Sheets and sheets.
Oh, in short, you want me to be as infatuated about you as he is,
Is that it?
No, I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you.
I want a little kindness.
I know I'm a common, ignorant girl
And you're a book-learned gentleman,
But I'm not dirt under your feet.
What I done, what I did was not for the taxis and the dresses...
...but because we were pleasant together and I come to, came...
...to care for you.
Not to want you to make love to me
And not forgetting the difference between us
But... more friendly-like.
Well, of course. That's how I feel.
And, and how Pickering feels. E-E-Eliza you're a fool!
That's not the proper answer to give me.
The only answer you'll get until you stop being a plain idiot.
If you're going to be a lady, you'll have to stop
Feeling neglected if the men you know don't spend half their time
Sniveling over you and the other half giving you black eyes.
You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you?
Well, be off with you to the sort of people you like.
Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money
And a thick pair of lips to kiss you,
With a thick pair of boots to kick you with.
If you can't appreciate what you've got,
You'd better get what you can appreciate.
Oh, I can't talk to you. You always turn everything against me.
I'm always in the wrong.
But don't be too sure that you have me under your feet
To be trampled on and talked down.
I'll marry Freddy, I will, as soon as I'm able to support him.
Freddy? That poor devil who couldn't get job as an errand boy
Even if he had the guts to try for it?
Woman don't you understand? I have made you a consort for a king!
Freddy loves me. That makes him king enough for me.
I don't want him to work. He wasn't brought up to do it as I was.
I'll go and be a teacher.
What'll you teach, in heavers name?
What you taught me. I'll teach phonetics.
Ha ha ha.
I'll offer myself as an assistant to that brilliant Hungarian.
What that imposter? That humbug? That toadying ignoramus?
Teach him my methods, my discoveries?
You take one step in that direction and I'll wring your neck.
Wring away! What do I care? I knew you'd strike me one day.
Ay that's done you 'Enry 'Iggins it 'as.
Now, I don't care that for your bullyin' an' your big talk.
Oh, what a fool I was.
What a dominated fool.
To think you were the earth and sky.
What a fool I was. What an addle-pated fool.
What a mutton headed dolt was l.
No, my reverberating friend.
You are not the beginning and the end.
You impudent hussy!
There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth
That I haven't put there.
There'll be spring every year without you.
England still will be here without you.
There'll be fruit on the tree and a shore by the sea.
There'll be crumpets and tea without you.
Art and music will thrive without you.
Somehow Keats will survive without you.
And there still will be rain on that plain down in Spain.
Even that will remain without you.
I can do... without you.
You, dear friend who talk so well.
You can go to Hertford...
...Hereford and Hampshire.
They can still rule the land without you.
Windsor Castle will stand without you.
And without much ado we can all muddle through without you!
You brazen hussy!
Without your pulling it the tide comes in.
Without your twirling it the earth can spin.
Without your pushing them the clouds roll by.
If they can do without you Ducky, so can l.
I shall not feel alone without you.
I can stand on my own without you.
So go back in your shell I can do bloody well without...
By George, I really did it I did it, I did it.
I said I'd make a woman and indeed I did.
I knew that I could do it I knew it, I knew it.
I said I'd make a woman and succeed I did.
Eliza, you're magnificent.
Five minutes ago you were a millstone around my neck
And now you're a tower of strength.
A consort battleship.
I like you this way.
Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again.
Mother! Mother!
What is it, Henry? What's happened?
She's gone.
Well, of course dear. What did you expect?
What am I to do?
Do without, I suppose.
And so I shall.
If the Higgins' oxygen burns up her little lungs,
Let her seek some stuffiness that suits her.
She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine.
Well, let her go. I can do without her. I can do without anyone.
I have my own soul!
My own spark of divine fire!
Bravo, Eliza!
Damn, damn damn, damn.
I've grown accustomed to her face.
She almost makes the day begin.
I've grown accustomed to the tune.
That She whistles night and noon.
Her smiles, her frowns. Her ups, her downs.
Are second nature to me now.
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I was serenely independent and content before we met.
Surely I could always be that way again.
...and yet I've grown accustomed to her looks.
Accustomed to her voice.
Accustomed to her face.
Marry Freddy.
What an infantile idea.
What a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do.
But she'll regret it. She'll regret it.
It's doomed before they even take the vow!
I can see her now Mrs. Freddy Eynsford-Hill.
In a wretched little flat Above a store.
I can see her now. Not a penny in the till.
And a bill collector beating at the door.
She'll try to teach the things I taught her.
And end up selling flowers instead.
Begging for her bread and water.
While her husband has his breakfast in bed.
In a year or so, when she's prematurely gray.
And the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk.
She'll come home and lo.
He'll have upped and run away with a
Social climbing heiress from New York.
Poor Eliza. How simply frightful. How humiliating.
How delightful.
How poignant it will be on that inevitable night.
When she hammers on my door in tears and rags.
Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite.
Will I take her in, or hurl her to the wolves?
Give her kindness? Or the treatment she deserves?
Will I take her back? Or throw the baggage out?
Well, I'm a most forgiving man.
The sort who never could, ever would.
Take a position and staunchly never budge.
A most forgiving man.
But I shall never take her back.
If she were crawling on her knees.
Let her promise to a tome. Let her shiver. Let her moan.
I'll slam the door.
And let the hellcat freeze.
Marry Freddy. Hah!
But I'm so used to hear her say.
Good morning every day.
Her joys, her woes.
Her highs, her lows.
Are second nature to me now.
Like breathing out and breathing in.
I'm very grateful she's a woman and so easy to forget.
Rather like a habit one can always break...
...and yet I've grown accustomed to the trace
Of something in the air.
Accustomed to her face.
Ah, we are proud. He ain't above givin' lessons, not him.
I heard him say so.
Well, I ain't come here to ask for any compliment
And if my money's not good enough, I can go elsewhere.
Good enough for what?
Good enough for you. Now you know, don't you?
I'm come to have lessons, I am. And to pay for 'em, too,
Make no mistake.
What is it you want, my girl?
I, I want to be a lady in a flower shop
Instead of selling at the corner of Tottenham Court Road.
But they won't take me unless I can talk more genteel.
He said he could teach me.
Well, here I am, ready to pay, not asking any favor
And he treats me as if I was dirt.
I know what lessons cost as well as you do and I'm ready to pay.
I won't give more than a shillin'. Take it or leave it.
It's almost irresistible. She's so deliciously low...
...so horribly dirty I'll take it.
I'll make a duchess of this draggled-tailed guttersnipe.
I washed my face and hands before I come, I did.
Eliza
Where the devil are my slippers?
The End